I have never feared anything as much as loving you. In more than one way, the thought of stepping outside of myself has always hunted me throughout my relationships. Love means losing; no room to be who I really was. I have always felt obliged to conform myself to what a lover ought me to be. How to dress and what to say.
Yet with you, love’s so dangerously real. You haven’t even given me the time to try and find out how you want me to be. You just seem to want me. I honestly don’t know how to deal with that. It’s like you’re watching a movie in a language you don’t understand but falling in love with one of the characters anyway.
I try to think of ways to tell you this, but your eyes leave me dumbstruck every time. It’s been fairly easy for me to play any part yet when the lights dim, instead of going home, the actor fades. My personality is constantly hiding behind the curtains that lead to an over lit stage. I can see you sit front row, clapping your hands when the show hasn’t even started yet. Tell me, how do I step into the light? You might notice my make-up flaking; or how tiny I really do look now I’m barefoot and hunched over. You could get second thoughts on why you paid this much money to watch a tableau so static and frozen-over.
Perhaps I’m just lucky right now, you seem infatuated and we barely bother to have drawn-out conversations, for which I’m grateful. But darling, I realize I will eventually need to swoon you with a little more than my appearance and flesh. It’s a funny thing – I can stand in front of you bare naked, let you praise my skin with your closeness, but I cannot tell you how I love to linger in your arms when we hug goodbye, how I love eating chocolate right before going to bed and how I avoid bathtubs ever since I nearly drowned in one when I was five.
You’re just to considerate. Almost too caring, which makes me question my fears and sends me onto a way too busy highway. Loving you means stepping on the gas a little more, slaying these fears which ultimately frightens me the most. I hope not to succumb, for if you fear love, you might as well be afraid to live at all. I adore life, but still need to find my own little spot in this world. I believe you can guide me there.
So I’m writing this letter, for one must take small steps towards a big change and this is one of those. I couldn’t tell you this is person, not yet, but bear with me, because for the first time in my life, I’m convinced there’s more freedom to be found in facing your fears than avoiding them. Even if I’ve never said so, please believe me when I write to you, I love you. I love you. I hope I’ll be able to tell you so one day, directly, unconcealed. You have unlocked the doors, baby. The outside world is luring me.
Love, I am yours.
My lovely readers,
Another little short story -this time in letter form.( my favorite way of writing!)
Love is a beautiful thing. No matter how many times you’ve been hurt, one day a unique, respectful person will come along and make you believe you’re the most beautiful person in the world.
This is dedicated to those who have been hurt & are keeping their hearts tucked away from the world. Never stop hoping for true love to come along, open up your heart.