An odd knock on the
door. I could recognize the stiffness of the hand touching the wood, someone
clenching their fist to fight the silent inside my apartment. I turned my head
away from the window, trying to get myself together without anything to hold on
to. I had seen him crossing the street, the black suit taking away the colour
in his face. I wondered, had he always seemed so pale. Maybe the evening stole
his emotions from him.
Two minutes later he
sat hunched up near that same window, as if he was a character from a movie
that had come to life. I had already forgotten what he had said when he came
in, perhaps nothing at all. My head rested against his shoulder, even though I
wanted to rip my body away from his, but I couldn’t.
He was holding my
wretched heart in his hands, making it unable for me to move away from him.
“You’ve changed,” he
spoke with that low, numbing voice.
My eyelids fell, not
wanting to see any more of him. I inhaled, the hardest breath I ever had to
“It took you a year.”
I whispered. I wasn’t sure if that was a question or just a conclusion.
He folded his arms,
causing my head to slightly move. The brushing sensation against my cheek made
me shiver. Every touch from him made me hopeful somehow. He was here again, at
last. Yet I knew that, as much as I wanted this, I could no longer love him the
way I used to do.
“I had to figure out
things with-“ he spoke but I cut him off with a winter voice.
“Don’t say her name.”
He sighed, shaking his
head a little as he hid his face in his hands. My lower lip trembled, awakening
my tears like an earthquake.
“Your words cut right
through me,” he said.
“Did you expect me to
remain here, loving you as deeply as I did, when you went back to her and waited
until you got tired of her until you’d come back?” Sometimes I’m so much
stronger than I think I am.
He sat up straight,
his hands trying to cup my face, but I had already backed away from him. I
stared right back into his bewildered eyes as I placed my hand on my chest,
claiming my heart, taking it back from him.
“I-I don’t understand,”
his eyes begged me to say words I could no longer speak. I had long forgotten
how to forgive a man for putting me on hold, when I was ready to offer him
every piece of who I was.
It’s probably the
worst thing a man can do. Making you feel like he can’t quite make up his mind
“I never understood
either,” I held the door open, tears trying to convince me of the sadness of
this situation. But I could no longer suffer, too many heartbreak had flown
from these eyes.
He slept by my door
that night, but I stared right outside my window into the beautiful, raven
night, holding my long lost heart inside of my own hands, knowing I would never
talk to him again. One night I would see another man crossing the street, one
day I’d find someone who’d love me.