I stare at your picture during the day, but it never reminds me of you. So I sleep through every hour to be able to keep my eyes open when the dark falls over my room and I sense you walking through the door.
Suddenly, you lie close to my side of the bed and that’s alright. I know I won’t be able to sleep anyway, because what if I forget you in my dreams, what if I have to miss out all these hours of seeing you lie here next to me, your eyes closed whilst not trying to fall asleep either.
Us both wishing the same, to be sleepless forever so we can call the night ours entirely.
Then we give up the pretend and I shift closer to you, whilst your eyelids softly flutter open.
Softly, our voices break down in whispers that try to find the perfect words. It’s like there’s no need for us to find the things we want to say, like these sentences are just a part of the way love is supposed to be expressed. Honestly, what I feel inside for you would run my mouth dry if I tried to phrase it the right way. I’m afraid I’ll break your heart so I keep my voice down.
“I thought about you today, you know, how you always turn your head to the side when I tell you that you’re beautiful. Like it’s hard for you to believe what I’m saying, like you’re looking for someone standing next to you who I could’ve been talking to. But it’s always you. You are everything.”
I know you feel the same. I know it’s hard for you to tell me all the things you had wanted to tell me in the morning, during the day, the things you forgot to mention before that moment you suddenly disappeared.
So clearly I can hear you inside of my head and with every word you say, I wonder less and less if I’m just imagining all of this again. Perhaps I imagined you ever being in my life as well, but one thing is sure, my love, I have never felt you closer to me than the moment the streets are empty with the sunrise that was once there in the morning.
The night is our only chance of being together. I beg you, don’t forget my name when morning takes you away from me again.
Tell me, when you ring your parents, do you have to hold yourself back not to mention my name? When you talk about love, do you see my face in your mind? Did you tell the other girls who shared your bed the same secrets as you told me?
“I had a fine day, mum. No, yeah…I know it’s Christmas soon. What ?No…No extra plate yet, no mum…yeah, maybe soon.”
Some describe their lovers to be the answer to anything, whilst you are the question that empties my head with anything else to wish for.
There’s a constant monologue running in my head and I know it will never stop, as long as I can tell myself stories about you and me, I don’t want the show in my mind to stop. As long as you are not here to…
“Talk to me,” you whisper, and with just three words you swiftly interrupt my thoughts. The cabaret silences as I prefer the dialogue better.
My lips break apart as the words I want to say slowly bubble up from my throat, but you hush me with one finger tracing my mouth.
“No, without words,” your eyes dart painfully towards the clock and back. I immediately understand, we’re running out of time.
My hands trace your shoulders , my hands talking to your body and I see you can’t shake off the fact that we won’t be able to hide from the light much longer. So I gently lie my head down in the nape of your neck, my hair brushing softly against your skin. It brings a smile to your face and I feel your fingers lacing through my locks.
I press my lips against your jaw line and I notice the traces of fresh tears, which leaves me disarrayed with the pain we both share. But I know this is what ties us to each other, I know this is the hurtful element of our relationship we feed on. The fact no one may know we’re in love turned us so stubborn, so needy for each other. This fight against what others think is the one thing that makes us so determined to stay together.
So I don’t mention I feel exactly the same as you and I no longer try to use words to soothe you.
Instead, I hold you in my arms until the alarm clock breaks us apart.
“I love you.”
Love has its strange ways…but there’s always hope. In negativity, we can always find positivity. Broken hearts make us write poems. Bad decisions make us aware of how precious the future is. Never give up. Never back down.
Dedicated with love to @iTrine ♥ @hysterichotel ♥ @hayymee ♥ @fuckthehoe ♥@kamea36912 ♥ @xEffy ♥ @Unuberwindlich ♥@steeeern ♥ @lisa_foxx ♥ and also @jlostein (for always inspiring me) ♥ + my glitterbaby & all glitterkids on twitter.
Froe xoxo ♥