Hi babycakes!Bear with me as I intended to write a small story and it turned out to be a bit…long?
You know you want to read it!:D I promise fluffiness and sugarsweetness at the end…<3
Backstage entrances never failed to amaze me. I had dreamed about how it would be to casually walk through them, head up high whilst a cloud of whispers would follow me around like a carefree shadow. I had dreamed of being famous – but I had never wanted it.
It’s just something I couldn’t relate to who I was. I could never be a role model – god knows I still had too many myself.
So I had no scenario in mind – how to act, walk, even smile- and I was about to slide past security with a backstage pass and a grimace plastered to my face. I could have sworn my heartbeat was that audible to the outside world that it would probably overshadow the thumping music coming from inside the venue.
I glanced at a rather small, thin men blocking the doors – hardly- and I frowned slightly; not even bodyguards looked like I thought they would. I felt five years old really, discovering the world step by step. Only this time I was taking these steps towards a future I’d rather not have-
But I had to. It was only fair to my –how should I call it – my special friend, who happened to be followed around by a pack of willing girls, a personal assistant that was constantly shouting things I couldn’t understand in her mobile phone and some more people that belonged to his entourage.
That word sounded kind of silly to me, I thought only kings or millionaires had one of those, but once again, what did I really know about this little world?
I tried to focus on the ground, walking rather clumsily in my favorite pair of boots that were firmly strapped to my legs. I wasn’t quite fashionable – my woolen blue sweater hugged my needy skin and I knew I had no reason whatsoever to consider myself handsomely for this occasion. I tried to tell myself he poorly dressed girls and dancers scratching around the green room like fierce cats wouldn’t manage to knock down my confidence – although I wished I would possess the power to become invisible.
Who was I kidding, everything about this particular world felt intimidating to me. That was the main reason I had come here of course, the gnawing suspicion I had about what this world was like now portraying itself perfectly in front of my eyes.
I was definitely convinced about one thing though – this talk really needed to be done. This simply wasn’t my scene or whatever I needed to call this. And he was a part of it…
You simply can’t mingle his golden glance with my dull, grey one.
Before I could even get used to the awkwardness coming over me, I felt warm hands ghosting over my back, very swiftly tracing the line of my backbone, starting from my lower back up to my neck.
I shivered, temporarily speechless and alarmed. As I turned around, I stared right into a pair of eyes that were so known to me, eyes that would follow me around at night when I was asleep, conquering every dream I had, having all of me…
“You came,” he almost made it sound like a question, his sweet voice blocking out the glittery madness that was unwinding itself around us.
He had invited me to his shows over a thousand times, but something –probably my insecurity- had always held me back. I was here now, yes, but for a different reason that he could suspect, that much I could tell.
Before I could speak, he entwined his fingers with mine, pulling me with him inside of what appeared to be his dressing room. With a low but friendly voice, he ordered all those who were present to remove themselves from his room and it cost me a cold glare from his assistant before she continued to yell rude nothings into her designer mobile.
When everyone had left, he quickly pressed the door shut before pressing himself firmly against me.
I wouldn’t really stand a chance to say what I wanted to say without tears prickling my eyes, so I let him hold me. That way, I could hide my face from his, safely tucking it away in between his shoulder and neck.
His scent was still the sweetest thing I had ever witnessed.
“I missed you,” he whispered, his mouth lingering nearby my ear.
I knew he was being honest and I hated him for it. My company wasn’t anything near interesting and I still couldn’t grasp what it was about me that seemed to amaze him so much.
But I knew I was not enough and before things would lead to what I wanted more than anything in the world –his kiss, or even better, his love- I had to stop him from being a fool.
He deserved better than me, way better. He was a musical genius, I was only good in calculus. He had been on the cover of Vogue, I called in sick when the school photographer terrorized my classmates. Not to mention school in overall; I was a senior trying to get into college, he was a rockstar selling more records than the average band did.
Sure, he was as old as me and I had known him as a ‘normal’ kid before his fortune and fame, but that’s where about the fair resemblances stopped.
I had no idea why he had asked me out but I knew that I couldn’t – and I wouldn’t, because I wasn’t what an outstanding artist like him – I adored his talent so much- really wanted to spend his time on.
“Does this mean we’re finally doing this date tonight?” I knew he was smirking but I didn’t dare to look up at him, his gentle words cutting right through my weak, paper heart.
I wished I had picked another time – like never –to tell him no, but it was for the best that I got this over and done with right now. He needed to be rational and move on, not take a few steps back in his life to end up with small town me.
“You know, I-I…” shakily, I loosened my desperate grip around him, still not showing my face as my cheeks had flushed bright red by now.
Agony nibbled my insides as I felt his warm hands creeping up my jaws, cupping my face and gently lifting it up so he could stare right at the mess I currently was.
I wanted to vanish.
“What’s wrong?” worry flashed past his ebony eyes, as his thumb swept itself gently across my parted lips.
Good lord, he was so intensely beautiful.
“I can’t do this,” I silently replied, holding my breath as I felt his body tensing against mine.
“We don’t have to tonight, just tell me what’s upsetting you,” he practically mused, putting aside his teasing voice whilst his muscles relaxed again.
I avoided his gaze, locking my hands safely behind his back and staring over his wide shoulder. This felt like my personal Armageddon and I was dreading the end.
“You,” I tried to swallow down the word but it had already rolled out of my mouth.
My lips were trembling now.
He frowned, as if he was in deep thoughts, clearly taken aback by the small word I had just spoken. Although he tried to secure his sudden hurt behind the tight embrace he was still holding me in, I knew I had just pushed his pain buttons full on.
I really didn’t deserve him, even now I only seemed to make him sad.
“It’s not really you though, it’s more…something you expect from me that I can’t give you.“ I concentrated on my words, choosing them precisely and carefully, just as I had prepared them in my head.
“That’s what’s upsetting me. I can’t go on a date with you, I’m not the one you should…you should focus on,” and then I bit my tongue, hard.
This felt like pure torture, like my voice slashed deep wounds into the smile that had adorned his face before. It had died out, only to be replaced by a sulky and disappointed expression.
I liked the smile better, so much better. I was a fool.
“No, that’s not it, baby, I just…, “ I interrupted him mid sentence, shaking my head whilst feeling a tingling sensation down my belly.
Had I just called him baby?
“I just don’t want you to waste any time on someone like me,” I looked down at my feet, retreating my hands, arms and body whilst taking a step back.
“Someone like you?” he folded his features into a question mark. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
He awkwardly leaned against the couch behind him and dropped his head a little to the side, watching me with non-understanding and wrecked eyes, like I had let him down, like he was all alone and staring into the distance.
“Girls swoon when they see you, big names want to work with you and soon you’ll even start your very own tour…How could an eighteen year old girl who wears silly hats and who has never travelled further than my grandma’s place fit someone like you?” I was babbling now and it made me feel plain stupid and ashamed.
But I meant every word I said…how could he be so foolish to want me, a small poppy, when he could capture the most beautiful roses that grew in his garden?
“Well, I never thought that you out of all people would only see me as the big star everyone believes me to be,” he said in a huff, nervously scraping his expensive shoes over the soft fabric of the carpet underneath his feet.
“I don’t, you just…” I sighed “You deserve so much better than me.” There, I said it.
A silence fed by tension hovered in the air we both breathed and I watched him shake his head, a sad grin washing over his face.
Whilst I cursed myself, I folded my arms tightly against my chest, trying to keep myself from crumbling and falling to the floor. Anxious drops of sweat ran across my forehead as I waited for him to ask me to leave, when I realized this was going to kill me when I would be all alone later.
Knowing that he’d be alone too.
Admittedly, I had fallen in love with him.
I just had never allowed myself to really embrace my feelings for him. They made me feel silly and greedy for something I wasn’t supposed to long for.
“I like silly hats,,” he suddenly shattered the silence with a troubled voice and it even now it still dazzled me; it sounded like the music I had learned to listen to in my head.
Very suddenly , my fragileness hardened up and I growled softly, not allowing him to argument any longer.
“Well, you shouldn’t just go for the easy catch,” I snapped, twisting my fingers around the hem of my sweater; it was too damn hot in here.
I started to feel unreasonable and it surprised me; what exactly was he trying to say? That this wasn’t a game to him? That he really cared?
Like any men ever had.
I could see his nostrils tremble and his jaw clenching, still his eyes remained soft and deep. It made me feel guilty and I held on to the wall, trying to control my breathing.
He had managed to grab my thoughts and shake them until they were completely messed up. And on top of my disoriented mind, he had just poured the word ‘love’ as if it was obvious for me to devour it.
That’s when I began to cry. I had no idea why is was there anymore, my sloppy hair sticking to the warm tears melting down my cheeks and my body completely numb. I didn’t object when he reached out to hold me again and I thankfully sobbed against his comforting chest, feeling his skin tremble against mine.
He loved me? Little me?
“I know I said this before but I love you, and I don’t mean it in a friend kinda way. I don’t care about anyone else, I’m only human and you’re the only one who sees me, baby, he cooed me like a newborn, his soft lips tracing my hairline, my wet cheeks, the top of my nose.
“My foolish baby.”
He brought my hands up to his mouth and placed delicate kisses on my flustered skin, as I set the words he had just spoken on constant repeat in my head. I was completely disarmed, even my insecurity and fear to lose the one I loved the most had flown out of my body along with the tears.
I sniffled, wiping my face with the sleeves of my warm sweater, smudging my make-up all over my ravaged skin. Good thing I couldn’t see myself in the mirrors hanging on the walls behind me.
A comfortable closeness blessed our second embrace and I felt myself melt into his arms, completely unaware of gravity holding me in place. This had sure turned out to be different than I had pictured it in my scared mind. I didn’t really seem to know that much about his world as a star, but I had mistaken that world with the real one he lived in as a human being.
“I’m sorry,” my voice sounded small as it was blocked by the lump in my throat but I didn’t care anymore.
“Well, this turned out better than just a date, so don’t worry,” he playfully nudged my shoulder and then pressed his forehead against mine, his eyes pleading for allowing me to get that close.
“And why is that?” I shakily smiled, feeling his warm breath clinging to my needy lips.
“Because of this…” he whispered, closing my eyes with a soft touch from his fingertips and connecting his sugary lips to mine briefly, carefully, lovingly.
“STAGE CALL!” someone decided to interrupt and I teasingly rolled my eyes at the classic Hollywood scene ending of a first kiss. We were still in his world of glitter a glamour after all.
“I’ll be back in no time…and I need you here,” he almost begged, his gentle words fanning across my face.
“You know what?” I ran my fingers through his messy strands of hair. “I love you too. And I’ll be right here waiting.”